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| There are some things I don't understand in life....how it happens the way it happens the specificty of how it unfolds upon our own lives. The decisions and the actions we make and the impact that has on the world around us. There are so many variables, so many uncertainties....so much pressure to wonder what decision is right, what decision is wrong, how to gauge what is really God's will....
I have struggled with that...trying to pick the best choice, the one that makes the most logical sense. It has left me unsure... wanting for more, always wondering.
It is in this time I am learning the true essence of Matthew 6:33-34. It is the one decision that matters most in life. That one decision brings upon that promise of a lifetime God presents us with. It is that choice to surrender our hearts and our lives to the lordship of Jesus Christ. I have lived in the outskirts, unwilling to relinquish my control, uncertain of where that would lead me.... would God really be there for me? Would he really take care of me, or will he leave me...I found my fear to be the compelling force behind this insecurity.
But it is in learning to die to yourself that you are able to live in Christ. Galatians 2:20 is Paul's declaration of being crucified with him. In order to live life, you must lose it, and through it you will gain immeasurably more than you could ever imagine.
The decisions in life matter upon the foundation of these decisions that are made. It is drawing close to my Savior, allowing Him to grow this deep relationship and intimacy that I find clarity and certaininty in the direction that He is leading me. I do not have to guess or be uncertain of what that direction is, but the one direction I do know always and constantly is that the Savior I'm following was willing to give everything to me and loves me more than I could ever imagine. I will follow, b/c His love compels me to follow.
May this continue to be the heartbeat of my life...I will follow the one that has given it all to me. In pursuing Him, He will lead me to the decisions that most glorify Him and exemplify His love upon this world.
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| Micah 7:8-9, 7:18-19 (NIV)
8 Do not gloat over me, my enemy!
Though I have fallen, I will rise.
Though I sit in darkness,
the LORD will be my light. 9 Because I have sinned against him,
I will bear the LORD's wrath,
until he pleads my case
and establishes my right.
He will bring me out into the light;
I will see his righteousness." 18 Who is a God like you,
who pardons sin and forgives the transgression
of the remnant of his inheritance?
You do not stay angry forever
but delight to show mercy. 19 You will again have compassion on us;
you will tread our sins underfoot
and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea. As these reflect my heart and the shimmer of truth that is beginning to gleam through the hazy of this past summer. The difficulties, the trials, the tests, each knocking down another pillar by which I so desparately clung to as my own security, my own sense of control, my necessity to hold on so tightly. Each area that I cared to not give up, God slowly and painfully tore my grip upon them. As I was left grasping, wondering, uncertain, I found myself naked. In the things I found so much confidence and comfort, I now was left to wonder...does God really care? That question pounded at my soul daily as I managed to struggle through the difficulties of this summer. With my hands left empty, I was tempted to grab at the dirt of the ground violently and shake my fist at God who seemed to be wanting to take away everything I loved. He left me heartbroken and scared....what was to be of this life? How was I suppose to endure? The clarity I wanted kept on turning into mud with each fist full of dirt I shook at my creator. And it was in a desert God brought Himself. Those hands that were left empty with nothing but wounds were slowly beginning to heal into scars. Each scar became a reminder of the road my Redeemer walked for me. I stared at my hands that were healing only to find the heart inside breaking with an indescribable love. A love that can only be tasted at the bitter taste of desperation...a love so consuming, that the hands that clutched the dirt, slowly lifted up...it was the moment of broken submission....it was the culmination of years of frustration, years of hurt, years of wanting to be more finding a purpose and sense of healing in letting them go to Jesus. Yes, it was this moment I had been waiting for....to no longer hold on to this sorrow....this pain....this guilt.... No more feelings of letting others down, not being more than I could be..... it was the bondage of years upon years of repression being let free... a second chance, and a need to live out this redemption.....yes, it was this moment....a Holy moment.... Jesus had arrived in a way that my eyes had been reawakened to a greater passion and a deeper understanding. It was more that a feeling, more than a perspective shift, it was an awakening. As alluded to the past of the great awakenings in the historical context of the 1800's in American Christniaity, my heart found its own great awakening... So I sit here in such joy for life and the life God's given me... The hands that tried so hard to attain what I needed to attain, to ensure that I got what I got have come 3/4 circle to a place where I'm learning to trust God in both His timing and His provision. I no longer have to prove that I am worthy, for Christ has deemed us worthy by His sacrifice. I don't have to fight in the ways I used to fight to try to be somebody because in Christ, in daily obedience I will continue to grow in the man He has created me to be. This identity as a child has also given me full access to a God that fills that void that is spoken about in Ecclesiastes "....eternity is set in the hearts of men..." His love is the only love that can fill me and satisfy me and daily I find myself running into the arms of my Savior so thankful for this love.....only praying that I could share it at whatever cost to all... I am unsure of what the next steps will bring. However, I am sure that regardless of what happens, that my God will never leave me nor forsake me. He will uphold me and walk with me...even through the valley of the shadow of death....and shadows can only be formed in the presence of light, and that light will always be there. Chris Tomlin - I Will Rise There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"
Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead
[Chorus:]
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise
There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes
Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead
[Chorus:]
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise
And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
(x2)
[Chorus:]
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise  | | |
| Surrender and Trust
These are two things I constantly struggle with in my own walk with
God. I can't surrender b/c I can't trust. I think trust in itself
is one that is such a delicate balance of understanding personal responsibility
vs. divine sovereignty. Where is the line I draw in terms of ambition,
but at the same time, not walking away feeling like I did it. Its a
dependence on self and I see it all the time. I think the tell-tale signs
are the habits of worrying that have developed and it provides no sense of
peace when I think about the future. There are only anxiety and thoughts
of what might and will happen, and predicated on those thoughts are the
constant feelings of uncertainty that exist in a world that is not for
certain. And so what it is that I able to hold onto is myself for in
myself, I feel a sense of immediate certainty but at the same time, it is built
on a foundation that is so uncertain. My own self knowledge is made of my
own thinking and my own perceptions and values of how I view myself dependent
on a gradient that has been shaped ever since my own birth. Whether it be
parents, society, and/or inner proddings, I find myself aspiring to this
greater thing that I ought to be without any thought of what God wants from me
or so it seems.
In this tension I live in, and so I have to reconcile this deeper divideness in
my heart, for it is this despondent cry for identity that is leaking ever so
slowly into the fabric of my own daily life. This is where I need God to
speak again and for myself to see who I am in light of the creator. This
is why I so desperately desire to hear His voice in the quietness of my
soul. There was a time where I would've yearned for that spiritual high,
that feeling of no greater thing, but I have found those to be mere
experiences, some lasting, but most an experience that left me unchanged.
How foolish we have become to think that experiences measure the depth of our
own existence. Emotions and good feelings guide are own spirituality and
we wonder why we ride this roller coaster of a faith. I cannot sit here
in judgement but only in confession knowing that I am oh so guilty of that
sin...and to place in one step more, my own knowledge condemns me once again.
And it is here in the deeper parts of my soul that I find a longing to be with
my creator. It is here in my brokeness and my desolation of hopelessness,
that the creator arises and speaks truth. In his whisper, I find peace
and in His vision I find ambition. Here is where the dreams are produced
and life begins, and I must come here once again.
Just as that song says, when the music fades, and all is stripped away...the
bustling of cars honking, the weaving inner thought colliding, and that
consistent nagging that persists in wondering whether you will receive all you
want.... This is where I want to be....to hear my maker, to respond to
His annoucement for the life He's given me. It is here I realize that it
isn't me that made me, but it is Him that gave me it all.
Perhaps what we need is not more, but less... the real truth is we have
heard the sermons, the messages, prayer meetings, this and that....spiritual
experience spiritualized....Christian life disected, re-disected, analyzed,
scrutinized, and here we come unchanged for all the analysis and describing of
what our life ought to be...we are left....so still...so unsure... so fragile.
And perhaps this is part of the existence God calls us, for in this we find are
own desperate need for hope, and a grace that can quench that thirst.
Another voice that has been there always, wishes just to spend time and to come
close, and this is what we need. It is as if we try to have all the fluff
and appearance of a healthy relationship, but behind closed doors, it is but a
rotting carcass of empty promises and unfulfilled dreams. We have sold
ourselves out for the appearance b/c we want the easy way to it all...the
quickest way to be spiritual, but yet we don't realize how this is an
impossibility and we admire from afar the great stories of old. Our own
imagination plays with these thoughts of being great, living for Christ, yet we
don't realize that these great lives were forged in the inner depths of the
daily grind, the appreciation of the seconds of each waking moment...to
appreciate breath is to appreciate life and here it is where we have become so
consumed in consuming....
How can it be that revival meetings....can fail??? Doesn't revival
meeting connote the fact that revival exist and revival itself points to a
communal change in spirit...I don't condemn the good intentions behind it, but
I do ask the question to all of us, does not revival start at the cross?
Divine inspiration meets its appointment on our knees in front of our
maker...not in front of another good praise band or another great
speaker. God has given us all we need...but yet we think we need more and
this is one of the most clever concepts pulled by the devil. Here we are,
21st century Christians, who have everything they could ask for...desiring more
and needing less... and so it is the fact that our faith has become so
dependent on experiences and not on our relationship with God.
It is said that a preacher often preaches to himself and that is probably what
I'm doing....but in it I find a truth that arises to speak to those around
me...so often frustrated at the condition of self....how do we change....
"The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting; it has been
found difficult and left untried." G.K. Chesterton
Mainstay - Believe
I don't know if I still have the strength to get up again
I don't know if I can face my own reflection
Jesus, take this heart that feels
so cold again, and make it new
I hold this hope inside that you'll never leave me
When all around me starts to fall,
and when my faith it seems so small
Even in my darkest hour, I will believe
Even if the sun begins to fall,
even when I feel nothing at all
Even if I'm all alone, I will believe
I don't know how I could turn my back and walk away
All I really want is for your love to hold me
Jesus, take this heart and make it whole again
I know you'll never leave me | | |
| i'm not really sure who this thanks go out tooo....either brian lee or my co-workers, but I have a cold and it is 86 degrees outside.......BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
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| -Got the Legacy GT, waiting for it to get shipped...
-This new year I've been blessed with an extra line on my stomach which is due to an extra roll of fat that has somehow accumulated there....I weigh the same yet, I've gained a roll...go figure?
-My back is killing me....Two bulging disks...degenerative disk disease.......military training in the horizon....not good....not good
-Stairmaster....kicks my butt everytime!
-Humility is accepting the truth about yourself...and God has been provided me humility like no other and all I can say is .... I sometimes like accepting the concept of me, not the reality of me, but hey, it is what it is...and its alright!
-Starting school full time...and studying early...yes you heard me!!!! I'm studying early!
-My Coworker who is a CPA keeps on telling me to buy a place....he's telling me the gov't is killing me on taxes... the irony is my income is dependent on taxes... however, depending on everybody else's taxes is much better
-In one year, sooo much can change...who knew?!
-My mom knows how to bake...ooohhhh...must learn!....how manly is man that can bake? I only know of one that epitomizes that statement....*drumroll*.....Brian Lee
-UIC has changed....I was driving down and as I was driving reflecting on the fact that I'm 26....I was thinking, I'm the old guy who's going to make all those comments about how I remember UIC to be back in the day. Crazyness and to think I couldn't even picture what I would look like at 25 when I was 15 and now I'm approaching 27...
-I am in awe of life, the joy, the hurts, the ups and downs, and in the midst of it all is a God who is consistently faithful. He has blessed my life tremendously. I remember some of my co-workers coming up to me and saying how I smile a lot, and to be honest, I don't think I've smiled as much as I do these days. I've never been happier and its a testament of God and His great joy that He's given me no matter what happens in life. That is awesome!
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